30 of The Funniest Quotes Ever

 

Here is 30 of The Funniest Quotes Ever;

1- Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard


2- Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. Will Rogers

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. Will Rogers


3- Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead


4- There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock


5- Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey


6- A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin


7- I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill


8- All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel


9- Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Benjamin Franklin

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Benjamin Franklin


10- Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. Anthony Burgess

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. Anthony Burgess


11- If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman


12- Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain


13- Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Jules Renard

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Jules Renard


14- I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde


15- Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. Luis Bunuel

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Luis Bunuel


16- Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain


17- I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield


18- Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin


19- I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. Robin Williams

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. Robin Williams


20- Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. Oscar Levant

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. Oscar Levant


21- Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn


22- I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin


23- Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. Peter Ustinov

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. Peter Ustinov


24- Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams


25- A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often. Oliver Herford

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. Oliver Herford


26- If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner. Tallulah Bankhead

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. Tallulah Bankhead


27- I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W. C. Fields


28- They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood


29- My life needs editing. Mort Sahl

My life needs editing. Mort Sahl


30- I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. Will Rogers

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. Will Rogers

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